My old posts make me embarrassed beyond belief. I can’t believe I used to think like that.
I am sober now, except for the occasional drinking now and again. I’m single, thank fucking god. I couldn’t stand another day with that child-like cunt.
I’m just having more fun.
I will keep this photo posted for 1 week.
Every time someone Reblogs this photo I will donate 10 cent to charity: water
charity: water provides clean and safe drinking water to those who most desperately need it.
After the money is donated I will post proof of donation.Show you care & Reblog.
just gonna reblog this every so often
(via imgTumble)
I have not written on this in a long time. Ever since my insanely long, insanely insane post on my thoughts back earlier this year.
Things have gotten better, if anything. I’m drunker now, which I’ve been planning on doing since 9th grade. Ethen’s my boyfriend now. Danielle’s stopped drinking and has since stopped hanging out with me for no reason at all. Lizzy is stepping up her game and going out with Ethen’s best friend, JC.
Still a virgin. Still mad about that, but welp, I don’t think I have much time left on that aspect~
I’ve lost friends, gained acquaintances (though are they really just acquaintances if you hang out with them on a daily basis and talk to them more than your “friends”?). Had more ups, had harder come downs (but are the comedowns that bad if the ups are so good?). More experience, lost innocence (good and bad). Wanting and attaining attention, but from those who I don’t want any attention at all (but doesn’t that always come from gaining attention?).
Still wondering if this is the life I really wanted to choose or if it’s just the life I’m thinking I want to lead. I don’t want to lead my life because I want to be perceived a certain way by everyone around me and then for that to backfire on me a couple years down the road when anything that goes on now doesn’t, or shouldn’t, really matter.
It’s late at night (if 11:21 counts as late) when I really start to question if I’m making the right decisions.
It’s just I hate being considered a scumbag, drunk, sketch, and other such words that should be saved for someone more deserving than a 16 year old girl just trying to have fun, let loose a little bit, and be someone else for a little bit until she passes out.
It’s not like it’s an addiction, it’s not like I’m doing it for a reason. It’s to have fun and have excuses to be ballsier without repercussions.
Is that so bad?
I’ve been saying it a great deal lately, I realized, but to the people in my life. And for all the sorrying I have sorried since I knew I had a free mind, I have done nothing, I’m afraid to earn my way out of this Hell, if such a thing is possible, and his voice, “you’d be perfectly happy if you were the only person in the world” and maybe my sin is as simple and basic as that, maybe taking that one step back to watch the people of the world is the same as not being among them, I’m in a separate universe, one that is superior in its separateness, and I’m not too happy being alone there, and you’re supposed to take men to you and so I do, and you’re supposed to deal with teenage bullshit and I do, and you’re supposed to make and keep friends and I do, but maybe all that is simply to avoid facing the truth about myself, maybe I go through the motions of connection - boys, bullshit, fucking “friends” - so I can live with my “precious” aloneness and not feel damned. But I am damned. I am damned indeed. And maybe it’s why we’re all damned. maybe a father can join himself to an image of a daughter until he can’t, and a woman can join with a man ‘till she can’t, and the can’t part of it means it’s not doing the father or the wife any good anymore, for himself, for herself, for my arrogantly self-absorbed self, you just want to get away from the other and you’ll stop at nothing until you do. And with all this thinking, I’m thinking that none of it sounds right, none of it, and I’m thinking maybe the thinking itself is the problem, your mind is free but it’s free all to itself, you’re never more alone than in your mind. Only in our bodies are we together. Maybe it’s all about the thereness, there’s nothing more than every moment lived in these bodies on Earth, and there is nothing more there than in our past. And the problem is, we try to think it out when we should just hold on to each other, and if we hold on, all the pain and all the pleasure are the same, it’s all one big complex thing that is ok, that is really ok, but it is ok only if you take all of your life in through your sense and stay in the moment, holding on. But even as I think this now, even as I think of the alternatives to thinking because I think the problem is thinking, it feels untrue in just the same way again. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck us all.
My life:
Everyday. It’s getting monotonous. Boring. But just a little bit. I still like it, it’s still fun, but I feel like something new has to happen or somebody new needs to be introduced or we need to do something out of the ordinary at least once. All together though.
Meh, I feel like becoming friends with Angeline and Ethen was a good thing, yet a bad thing all the same. Like, I’m doing crazy shit and I’m out of the house 99% of the day, but I’ve lost my importance, I think. Like, the wolf pack wouldn’t hang out as a group without me around. It just would’ve been weird. But Danielle, Ethen, and Ang will all hang out without me and sometimes Danielle won’t even call me to tell me they’re all hanging out. Like, what the fuck is up with that? Without me, she would’ve never been friends with them in the first place and it’s super fucked up. I’m feeling left behind.
Plus, Danielle is like trying to ~hold her own~ or something and like, well, not exactly defying, but sort of defying me and like, makes fun of me a lot more and it pisses me off more than anything.
That and I feel like they both like Danielle more than me and I fucking hate that. And overall, I think Ethen doesn’t like me. At all. Idk, it’s weird.
Oh, and Ryan Dunn died this week. Everything is getting shittier and shittier when it should’ve been getting better and better. This sucks ass. I just wish everything could have gone the way I wanted it to go. Or can still go the way I want it to go. at least I’m done with school and I don’t have to put up with that shit anymore. Oh, and another bad thing. P.W. is out of school and took all the rest of the hot seniors with him.
Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
On a lighter note, 31 days until Warped Tour. c:
You know what really bugs me? When people make fun of Danielle and I for being virgins at 16. That’s fucking ridiculous. I had the chance to lose it at 13, and you know what, I actually should’ve considering the amount of shit I get for it. And how I feel like some inferior, inexperienced little kid compared to everyone else. Angeline lost her virginity at 12, Ethen at 13, and most around then also. We’ve all had choices once or twice, but just didn’t take it.
The thing is though, I feel like I could lose it, but just I don’t push it hard enough. Either that, or I’m just kinda afraid. Which is true. I just don’t want to be awkward, I want to be skinnier so I don’t look fat while doing it, and all that kind of shit. But I also feel like I’m not around people who would, or I might be, but they feel like it’d be too awkward or just that I’m not into that kind of stuff or something. I might be giving out the wrong vibes or something. I don’t want to be, but I guess I am.
Which fucking sucks, because I don’t want to be a 17 yr. old virgin. That’s too old to be a virgin. And I don’t want Danielle to lose hers before mine. That’s just embaressing. Then again, Danielle is more out there with herself. Idk, she’s like a little more slutty, but then again, she is way more desperate. I bet I could fuck Bryce too, I just don’t want to. I especially don’t want to lose my virginity to someone who would tell my friends what it was like and what I look like and stuff. It’s just weird.
