I have not written on this in a long time. Ever since my insanely long, insanely insane post on my thoughts back earlier this year.

Things have gotten better, if anything. I’m drunker now, which I’ve been planning on doing since 9th grade. Ethen’s my boyfriend now. Danielle’s stopped drinking and has since stopped hanging out with me for no reason at all. Lizzy is stepping up her game and going out with Ethen’s best friend, JC. 

Still a virgin. Still mad about that, but welp, I don’t think I have much time left on that aspect~

I’ve lost friends, gained acquaintances (though are they really just acquaintances if you hang out with them on a daily basis and talk to them more than your “friends”?). Had more ups, had harder come downs (but are the comedowns that bad if the ups are so good?). More experience, lost innocence (good and bad). Wanting and attaining attention, but from those who I don’t want any attention at all (but doesn’t that always come from gaining attention?). 

Still wondering if this is the life I really wanted to choose or if it’s just the life I’m thinking I want to lead. I don’t want to lead my life because I want to be perceived a certain way by everyone around me and then for that to backfire on me a couple years down the road when anything that goes on now doesn’t, or shouldn’t, really matter.

It’s late at night (if 11:21 counts as late) when I really start to question if I’m making the right decisions.

It’s just I hate being considered a scumbag, drunk, sketch, and other such words that should be saved for someone more deserving than a 16 year old girl just trying to have fun, let loose a little bit, and be someone else for a little bit until she passes out. 

It’s not like it’s an addiction, it’s not like I’m doing it for a reason. It’s to have fun and have excuses to be ballsier without repercussions. 

Is that so bad?